Foxy and Big X

Please read this blog. If you don't, Jake will beat me.

One of the best things about being a kid was that I tended to accept information as it was presented to me. Every kid questions a little, but there were some things I didn't doubt. Cartoons didn't have to make sense to be enjoyable. Now that I am an adult, or something along those lines, as I go back to watch old cartoons, many questions arise. Most recently watching the opening of the 1980's cartoon "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe," there were several things I want to try and understand.

When the show begins we are always greeted by He-Man's mild mannered alter ego Prince Adam. This cartoon was the first incarnation that gave He-Man a secret identity and although he just looked like Prince Adam with tan, no one ever suspected that the two of them were the same person. However, that problem concerning his secret identity is the factor that is the easiest to overlook. We can’t assume that Adam and He-Man are the same person just because they are never seen together. I've never been seen together with Rip Taylor and I have only been mistaken for him once.

There are three things about He-Man's secret identity that do bug the hell out of me, though. These things are so unusual that even in the context of the show they do not make any sense.

Issue # 1:

Prince Adam had a tendency to go on missions with any cast of characters. When He-Man was needed, he changed identities, defeated the bad guys, and then stayed He-Man long enough to chat with his friends. Then, right as He-Man wet on his way Prince Adam would show up, seemingly oblivious to the fact that evil doings were transpiring. After He-Man's fight with evil, when Adam was inexplicably gone, a character not in on the secret would always ask He-Man about what had happened to Prince Adam. He-Man's answer was always: "Oh, he's safe." Come on! You're the most powerful man in the universe and that's the best you can come up with! Why not "Oh, he's over behind Castle Grayskull taking a leak," or "He's having high tea with the Duchess of Normandy" or something? Obviously He-Man’s power is not in creativity.

After one or two seasons of He-Man telling you the prince is safe, wouldn't you stop asking? Shouldn't that exchange proceed like this:

Ram Man: Well, we defeated Skeletor for the 97th time this season. Hey! Where the hell is Prince Adam? I better ask He-Man if he knows.

Teela: You can't get any info from that asswipe, he'll just say the prince is safe.

The second question is simply why does He-Man even need a secret identity? True, there are some reasons that some heroes might require a secret identity. In the best episode of Futurama ever, for example, Leela explains two reasons why super heroes need secret identities:

1. Superheroes cause a lot of collateral damage and we don't want to get sued.

2. We don't want to have bad guys come after us or our loved ones.

The absolute only thing that Skeletor ever does is come after Prince Adam or his family. Ever wonder why? Perhaps because they're the royal family of the whole damn planet and Skeletor wants to rule the planet. What's the best way to rule the planet? Hmmm. How about overthrow the royal family? And since He-Man kicks Skeletor's purple ass all the time, maybe Skeletor would leave the damn royal family alone if he knew He-Man was the prince.

These points are all a bit moot when compared the most confusing aspect of He-man's secret identity: how did Prince Adam learn that he had this power to turn into a super hero? Prince Adam tries to explain this to us in his opening monologue to each episode:

"Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword
and said, 'By the power of Grayskull!"

First I should say that I'm not concerned with Adam using the word 'fabulous'. Sure, it's a gay word, but let's be realistic about He-man. The man walks around in a furry loincloth, shirtless and with bondage gear on his chest. He hasn't born an heir to the Eternian throne and all girls only want to be his friend. Has any prince in the history of the world gotten less dates? He spends most of his time with someone who goes by the name Man-at-Arms…have I made my point here?

There are so many other things about Adam’s monologue that are confusing. Adam never explains exactly why he has a magic sword. He simply states he has a magic sword and this suggests that we should just accept this fact. Should we assume that all princes have magic swords? Did he buy it at Skeletor's yard sale?

Furthermore, what struck Adam one day and inspired him to “hold aloft” that magic sword? He learned of the powers when he held aloft his sword. Well, this implies he had no idea of the powers in the first place. So how did he know his sword was magic? And why the hell did he 'hold it aloft?' Is holding aloft ones magic sword a common practice among princes with magic swords? Did someone walk up to Adam and say, "Pretty nice magic sword there. Ever try holding it aloft?" Perhaps princes don't know if their swords are actually magic and the only way to find out is if they hold it aloft? If so, imagine how embarrassed a prince will be if he holds his sword aloft and nothing happens. That would be humiliating. I can just hear the other princes laughing and saying: "Oh my god, dude. Adam just held aloft his sword and nothing happened. Like he'd ever have a magic sword anyway. He's such a tool!"

Perhaps the worst part is what he does with his friend Cringer. Adam just held aloft his sword, he knows it is magic and then he just decides to shoot a magic beam at his pet cat. He’s pretty damn lucky the poor cat didn’t explode, leaving behind a patch of green and orange hair. He-Man might be the most powerful man in the universe, but I would assume that having PETA on his case would annoy the hell out of him like it does to everyone else.

Regardless of this, I love those old He-Man cartoons and miss the days when almost everything was not explained.